Futel "Party Line" (2021)

Party Line

the signal lives in darkness

Issue 6, Spring 2021
2020 Pandemic Review Edition

Futel
503-468-1337
http://futel.net
operator@futel.net
PO Box 15153, Portland, Oregon 97293
Copyright © 2021 Futel Operators

Another year emphasizes the futility of making sense of what has happened!
Congratulations to those of us who are still trying! Keep talking into the mouth-
piece and listening to the earpiece. Make the words. Or hum. The lines must

hum, keep them humming.

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Futel Sanitation & Hygiene

Thank you telephone sanitizers for keeping our users safe

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When the pandemic first hit Portland
in early 2020 we figured we were in
the wrong industry. Surprisingly, Futel
phone usage did not decrease by a large
amount. We realized that many people
were still going to be using our phones

even in hazardous conditions, so we
had to make them safer.

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Our solution was to implement tele-
phone sanitation and hygiene pro-
grams. These would allow the phones
to be used safely and provide a valuable
service for many non-users of the
phones.

Telephone Sanitation
Program

The telephone sanitation program con-
sists of a cadre of telephone sanitation
engineers trained and equipped to
regularly sanitize the telephones. The
purpose of the program is primarily

to improve the health and safety of
telephone users, and secondarily to
assure users that the telephones are safe
to use.

At first it was difficult to find supplies
and equipment. Disinfectant and PPE
were sold out everywhere. We were
able to buy sufficient amounts of bleach
and sponges, and small quantities of
rubber gloves, nalgene gloves, and
spray bottles. Now that the west coast
has settled into our new reality, we are
able to keep our supplies stocked.

Neth Amenen 62.09

To inform users, stickers with the date
of sanitation and the engineer's handle
are applied after every procedure.

While the sanitization procedure is
designed to limit deleterious effects on
the telephone hardware, we have had
to replace some handsets and appear to
be experiencing accelerated keyboard
wear. The procedure does create a cool
patina on the chrome, however, and
makes the informational copy more
challenging to read and probably more
satisfying for those who attempt to do
SO.

Progress And Outcome
We have achieved and continue to
achieve the safety improvement objec-
tives. Keeping a sustainable volunteer
force is always a challenge, and the pro-
gram would benefit from an additional
dedicated sanitation cohort to supple-
ment the current volunteers, who are
largely the telephone hosts and already
have tasks to execute.

Hygiene Program

The hygiene program deploys hand-
washing stations to every telephone lo-
cation where we are able to do so. The
purpose of the program is to improve
the health and safety of Futel users or
any other individuals who wish to use
the stations.

The handwashing stations are essen-
tially soap dispensers, water supplies,

and hands free water dispensers. There
are several ways to implement this, we
chose to base ours on a foot operated
pump drawing water from a tank to

a spigot. This is an economical and
robust solution but has the large draw-
back of being less accessible to wheel-
chair users and other people with limit-
ed leg mobility. The design objectives
of our implementation are to provide
water and soap with minimal main-
tenance and cleaning requirements,
ruggedness when faced with careless or
hostile users, and inexpensive parts to
discourage theft. The pump is a rubber
primer bulb under a pedal, the tank is a
bucket or plastic barrel, and the spigot
is PVC conduit. A wood and rebar
frame anchors everything. A bottle of
liquid soap is ziptied to the frame.

To reduce cleaning requirements, the

4 installations do not include a basin

or any other graywater collection, the
spigot just empties over the pavement.
Because of this the spigot must be to
the side to avoid splashing the user's
foot.

Soap was difficult to acquire in the ear-
ly days of the pandemic, but we were
able to get a large container of blue
industrial hand soap.

Progress And Outcome
We have achieved and continue to
achieve the safety improvement objec-
tives. There have been surprisingly few
instances of vandalism or theft of parts
and supplies.

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Handwashing Station
Construction Notes

Manifest

primer bulb

e this is a rubber bulb that
moves liquid in one direction
between 2 barbs

about 6 inches between barbs

3-9 feet vinyl tubing

e length depends on barrel used

e length depends on conduit
used

e inside diameter should match
primer bulb barbs

plastic barrel

PVC conduit, elbows, barbs as

needed

e depends on barrel used

plywood, plank, 2x4, 2x2, etc.
lumber

6 ft rebar x2

hinge e.g. gate or door

soap dispenser

zip ties

duct tape

strapping

conduit brackets or plumbers tape
screws, other fasteners

chain or cable as needed, lock

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ay

e
a }

Construction
Cut plywood base to size to support
barrel, toes, bulb pedal. Mark where
toes should go in plywood base.

Drill two holes in plywood base at
circumference of barrel for rebar. Drill
holes in plywood base for zipties to
attach bulb, tubing.

Screw lumber toes to base to laterally
support base of barrel and protect
pump pedal. Assemble pedal out of
plank and hinge and attach to base
with hinge toward user. Attach pump
to base under hinge with zipties.

If needed, drill holes near top of barrel
for chain or cable. Drill hole in barrel
lid for input conduit. Screw lumber
shelf to barrel lid. Assemble spigot out
of conduit and barb. Attach spigot to
shelf with brackets and/or zipties.

LL |
6 Ae

Place barrel on base, within toes. Ham-
mer rebar into earth through holes in
base. Ziptie rebar to shelf. Strap rebar
to barrel.

Assemble input conduit, easiest is a

length of conduit sawed with a 45 de-
gree end, long enough that it can't fall
in the barrel when placed in the hole.

Assemble tubing to pump. Ziptie tub-
ing to base and rebar, routing so that
toes protect tubing on base. Assemble
outlet tubing to spigot. Place input
conduit in hole. Thread tubing through
input conduit until it nearly reaches
bottom of barrel.

Ziptie and duct tape soap dispenser to
rebar.

Prime pump by pouring water down
output tubing until pump can be
actuated.

Thread chain or cable through holes in
barrel. Lock to stationary object.

Notes
Barrel can be remote from pump and
spigot or inaccessible, alter base in that
case to support pump and spigot.

Input conduit just keeps the input at
the bottom of the barrel and discour-
ages people from yanking the tubing
out, input conduit can be replaced with
weight and a conduit T at end of input
tubing.

Design is intended to be cheap, easy

to source, annoying to steal or strip,
easy to service and replace. A trap at
the spigot will make pumping easier.
Graywater basin has been eliminated
for ease of cleaning, this means that the
spigot has to be inconveniently located
to keep water away from pumper's foot.
This is not our best deployed design
but it’s cheaper (if barrels are available),
easier, and less labor to build.

10

Futel Service Map

North America’s Fastest Growing Payphone Network

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west side of street

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created with OpenStreetMap & Stamen’s Toner tileset CC-BY-SA

St. Johns, Portland

Long Beach, WA

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Detroit

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New Phone in St. Johns

N Central Street between Tyler and Allegheny,
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Conspiracy-Fueled Idiots
Descend On Futel

High Anxiety But No Casualties
In Online Swarm Of Vapidity

1. Willamette Valley Dream
Survey

2015

While riding my bicycle home from
work in Portland’s SE Industrial Dis-
trict, I see a Willamette Valley Dream
Survey flyer stuck to an overpass. The
flyer invites the reader to call a local
number and describe their dreams:

Have you been having
strange dreams?

The Willamette Valley Drea
Survey is investigating a
recent spike in bizarre,
unexplainable dreams. If
you have been experienc-—
ing any unusual dream ac-
tivity, you can

reporting a

This is everything known to myself

or any other Futel worker about the
Willamette Valley Dream Survey. This
article does not contain any further in-
formation about them, and none of the
characters we will discuss have been
able to learn anything about them, or
even make plausible theories.

I am of course an immediate fan of the
project, because it is based on voice-
mail, has low complexity to set up but

oO .
many imaginative possibilities, and run
by mysterious protagonists who dont
ruin it by talking. I add the number to
the Futel directory.

This is the complete relationship
between the Willamette Valley Dream
Survey and Futel. None of the other
characters in this article will claim to
have any interaction with the Willa-
mette Valley Dream Survey other than
making unimaginative calls to their
number.

2. Reddit
May - August 2020

Reddit posts about the Happy Valley
Dream Survey start to appear in a mys-
tery solving group. The Happy Valley
Dream Survey is apparently a copycat
project in Utah. Or maybe someone
just printed out a fake flyer and photo-
graphed it, who knows.

This Reddit group is focused on arm-
chair research of conspiracy theories.

Most participants attempt, or at least
pretend, to explain mysteries like
crimes or strange phenomena, but of
course there are a lot of goofs just spin-
ning tall tales and having fun.

Mixed in are the ARG, for Alternate
Reality Game, players. ARGs are puz-
zles which interact with the real world,
where clues can be found in physical
locations or delivered via media like
web pages, email, phone calls, and

text messages. ARGs are often part of
marketing campaigns, and an early
instance promoted the 2001 movie Ar-
tificial Intelligence, but many are made
for fun by amateurs. Some are not
organized or set up in advance, but un-
fold as participants craft explanations
and links between real life events and
previously shared clues. A collaborative
story is created with players trying to
get their story line elements accepted
by having other players build their own
elements on them.

The Reddit group tries to find or invent
an explanation for the Happy Valley
Dream Survey. They get it backwards
and claim that the Willamette Valley
Dream Survey is a copy, or perhaps a
branch. Someone eventually takes the
time to look up the name and finds a
newspaper article about Futel which
describes finding the Willamette Valley
Dream Survey directory entry. Com-

14 menters decide that Futel is run by one

of the surveys, with a minority propos-
ing other hierarchies. The motivation
for this is conjectured to be a scam of
some kind, harvesting phone numbers,
behavioral data, or psychic energy.

The story quickly gets embellished by
an echo chamber effect. After a report
of receiving a weird text message

after calling Futel, other posts refer to
those comments, magnifying them in
the retelling, describing several cases
of menacing calls and threatening
messages. Users delete their accounts
after posting, which causes a stir and
amplifies their ideas. The top theories
now involve cult recruitment. The ARG
players try to figure out what the clues
are and where they lead.

In mid-May, a link between Futel and
a collaborative story called “September
5” is accepted as likely based on the
strained translation of a gibberish text
message. “September 5” is referred to
as an ARG, but it’s more of an apoca-
lyptic prediction which some people
pretend is believed by others. Reddit
users make weird posts about it and
try to get them repeated. There's no
real structure behind it other than the
world ending on September 5, but
that's enough to to make a post spook-
ier by referring to the “September 5

group

A few more posters with advanced

research skills are able to Google us.
This allows them to find our web

page and the conference videos that
describe how and why we run Futel. A
handful of Reddit posts point out that
our reasons are plainly revealed, and
that it doesn’t seem necessary to tack a
sinister occult organization on to that.
These are not exciting enough to get
attention, and don't advance the story.

Futel starts receiving email about all
this in early May. Some ask straight-
forward questions about why we list
the dream survey in our directory. I
answer them, and a few thank me and
report back fairly accurately to their
Reddit groups. They are followed by
people with vague questions or asking
to arrange a phone call without ex-
plaining why.

At this point I become concerned
about qanon pizzagate situations, and
stop responding to messages. This is
annoying because some of the peo-
ple writing are apparently genuinely
curious, including telecom geeks and
phreaks, with whom it is always fun
to talk. And I appreciate conspiracy
theorists and have followed a lot of
zines, cable access and radio shows,
and newsgroups from which these
internet forum dwellers descend. Not
to mention the conversations and
voicemails with some neuroatypical
Futel participants. It's annoying to have

to ignore the sincere people.

3. First YouTuber
June 2020

The story escapes Reddit with YouTube
video by “Floating Head Guy”. This
video isn't so bad, mainly because he
just summarizes what other people are
repeating and knows what state Futel
is based in, but the comments immedi-
ately plummet to the basic conspiracy
theory of the right wing thrall: occult
child sex trafficking cabals. Futel spans
the continent and is clearly target-

ing low income neighborhoods for
recruitment! One poster replaces their
comment with “Moving to a more
secure channel. They are watching’, a
now familiar way of attempting to get
attention for later posts without having
any actual content to share.

Someone finds another project that
shares members with Futel, and asks
what the connection is between the
two. The next commenter says they
heard it was linked to trafficking. In
reality, nobody has heard of it.

A. Successful YouTuber

June - July 2020

In early June, Futel gets a familiar salvo

of emails, Twitter comments, and other
messages from someone who has a

“quick question”. I notice him when he 15

takes the new tack of using a Patreon of the pile. This guy knows how to lay

subscription message. This is a good down narration over footage of him
angle and I decide to respond if his typing into a desktop computer. The
subscription survives untilthe endof highlight is an action scene where he
the month, when he will actually be videos himself buying a burner phone
charged the five bucks, but he cancels —_ at Walmart to protect himself from the
before that happens. harmful effects of calling the numbers.

His knees shake, he’s pumped! But,
dude, did you bring it home? Did you
and your bros turn off of your phones
during your shopping trip? You need at
least seven proxies!

The gist of the video is that he just
doesn't get it. He gets so close! Is Futel
an art project? Is it a public service?

In late July, he is revealed to bea You- —=‘There must be more! Why would
Tuber when he releases a 40 minute anyone go to all of this trouble? He
video on Futel and the dream surveys. can't confess to entertaining a simple
I have a grudging respect for him explanation because that won't drive

because he at least sees an opportunity viewership.
and puts in the effort. While herding
internet mouth breathers is a stupid
way to try and make money, it must be
recognized that when a niche exists,

it will get filled. Congratulations,
“successful YouTuber’, you got paid to
churn out content loosely based on our
work.

For some reason, he mispronounc-

The video is padded with filler, in- es Futel as “F’tel” and Willamette
cluding stock Portland sunsets and as “WILL-ah-met’. This is hard to

long stretches of him reading our understand because he plays Futel and
essays while scrolling through our Willamette Valley Dream Survey re-
blog and pausing on photographs of cordings in his video which pronounce
Futel volunteers. Like the content we them correctly. Does he watch his own
have already seen, it is uncreative and content? All of the subsequent videog-
mainly regurgitates earlier Reddit raphers and podcasters will copy this

posts, calling it research. In one scene —_ pronounciation.
he shows his web browser window as

he types into the search bar, and the This video sets off the most annoying
autocompletion suggestions scroll by, | wave of commenters yet. Messages
all ending with “reddit” arrive on LinkedIn and GitHub. Opera-

tors start getting calls about it, but at
16 Regardless, this is best executed media least that method attracts people with

17

a sense of curiosity. The YouTuber
himself doesn't follow up, despite his
ominous warnings of a deeper nefar-
ious truth behind it. He realizes that
he's already achieved peak engagement
for the subject. Posts from his fans de-
manding that we answer his questions
continue to trickle in, but without a
community to fuel them, they aren't as
threatening.

5. Interlude
Why are we seeing this?

Now that we've encountered the first
wave of YouTubers and their final boss,
we may be able to understand what
these people want.

The “successful YouTuber” doesnt real-
ly care to learn anything. He just wants
to let his viewers think that they are ex-
ploring a mystery. He's found subjects
and positioning for his videos that will
earn him fractions of a cent for each

ad impression. To optimize viewer-
ship, they can't involve actual research,
because that is boring. His users need
to feel like they are intelligent and have
knowledge which the masses arent
seeking out, but they must consume it
passively. If they have to actually work,
for example by applying reason, they
wont feel successful anymore, because
it will be difficult, and they will quit.
Those who can perform basic web
searches, follow documents of more

than one paragraph, and organize their
ideas into logical conclusions will soon
see that the exciting explanation is
overwhelmingly unlikely.

The other YouTubers, Redditors, and
various commenters want the same
thing, they're just not as successful.
They don't want to find anything, they
want to keep looking. If they're only
doing the basic minimum of repeating
conjectures, they can convince them-
selves that there's something there and
that they are doing important work.
Because of this, the community tends
to select paranoiacs, apopheniacs, and
other delusional people.

We did not expect this kind of atten-
tion because Futel is a very open orga-
nization. Our implementation notes,
processes, budgets, grant proposals,
and code are publicly accessible. We
link directly to these repositories on
our website, where we invite collabora-
tors. So many of these questions could
be answered in two clicks!

An unfortunate quirk of this group is
their susceptibility to being lead by the
nose with a technique familiar to view-
ers of right wing news media, known as
JAQing off, for Just Asking Questions.
Is there any truth to the rumors about
Futel's link with sex trafficking? Why
are Futel phones found in low income
neighborhoods? Is it because people

17

18

there are susceptible to cult recruit-
ment? What horrible fates occur to
those who call these phone numbers?

It would be so easy to grief these
people. We could divert them with
sock puppets. We could set up fake
backdated blogs. We could provide
keys to extracting secret messages from
mainstream newspaper articles that
said what we wanted them to say. It

is tempting to lead them along to get
them off our backs, or at least burn
the story out faster. But we don't want
to hurt the people who are genuinely
delusional, or inadvertently trigger
some random violent reaction on an
innocent bystander.

6. Candles
August 2020

The next rung in the descent begins
with “Candles”. We saw him earlier
when he was “moving to a more secure
channel’, which turned out to be his
YouTube channel. “Candles” saw the
fortunes available to successful You-
Tube slingers and decided to start his
new career with a “deep dive” into the
dream surveys and Futel'’s evil machi-
nations.

All of “Candles” ideas, and his pronun-
ciations of Futel and Willamette, are
from the “successful YouTuber’s” video.

but he does have perseverance, even-

tually visiting a Futel phone in Detroit
and buying all of our mail-order litera-
ture (thanks for your support!). He also
has a flair for storytelling, inventing a
police escort which accompanies him
to the phone and drives off several
shady Lincoln Town Cars with tinted
windows which are later seen prowling
his neighborhood. He also claims that
his phone acts strangely after calling
the numbers, and that he receives
threatening calls and emails from Futel
in response to his discoveries.

His main schtick is to find weird
corners of the phone menus, embellish
them, and suggest links between them
and other exaggerated reports men-
tioned on Reddit. Like everyone else,
he doesnt have any evidence for his
conclusions and can only trail off about
how he just can't believe an explanation
that doesn't involve weird cults. Why
would someone go to all this effort?
There must be a reason!

“Candles” is not as worrisome because
he doesn’t have much of an audience
and is clearly not good at what he does,
but his followers are kind of sad. In one
of his several “going dark” moods, he
announces that Reddit is not secure
enough, and herds his crew into Face-
book and Discord groups with open
membership.

One ARG guy is smart enough to seek
clues not provided by “Candles”, and
visits our IRC channel. He actually tells
us what he is looking for and is able

to ask questions and read responses,

so he quickly learns that there are no
real ARG hints on the phones, and that
its shockingly easy to find a story that
makes much more sense than a mind
control cult. He checks back in with
the Discord group and says that there
doesn't seem to be anything to pursue.
“It’s nothing different than those die
hard D&D kids we all knew.’ Since
nobody has anything to refute this,
theres nothing interesting for him, so
he leaves. “Candles” is annoyed by this
and says that he’s being watched and
has to go dark for a while. After a few
days of rudderless discussion, everyone
with even rudimentary critical think-
ing skills has left. It's “Candles”, some
trolls, and a few delusional people. One
person only posts over and over about
how it’s all coming together and he can
almost see it.

“Candles” makes a short followup
video about Futel, and then desperately
tries to keep his career going with vid-
eos about subjects needing his investi-
gation skills, like the Mothman. He still
occasionally makes exploratory posts
with fabricated stories about threats

he has received from Futel, usually fol-
lowed by another “going dark” period

19 when he doesn't like the response.

He makes an appearance on a podcast
hosted by a pair of cringe frat boys,
talking about his ongoing investiga-
tion and the bombshells he is about to
reveal, and continuing the tradition of
mispronouncing Futel and Willamette
despite playing several clips which say
them correctly. During the interview
he plays a recording of his operator
call (thanks, asshole), which I fielded
without knowing who he was, and
calls me an asshole for not explain-
ing enough to him (thanks, asshole).
He and his hosts whine about how
spooky and unfriendly we are and how
suspicious I am in particular, and then
they let “Candles” talk about the hard
won information he is about to drop
until they have enough banter to fill an
episode.

This is the most disenheartening

part of the stupid saga for me. “Can-
dles” is sharing my name and photo
while making vague accusations. His
moronic followers are calling me a sex
criminal. I start to question my own
wisdom. These feelings are familiar
when working hard on a quixotic proj-
ect, but with Futel I get occasional lifts
from messages from strangers about
how the phone have helped them. Now
I'm just getting abuse. My neighbor-
hood barista asks me if there's anything
to the Reddit “rabbit hole”. I stomp out
and find a new place to get coffee.

19

I spend an evening in my basement
salvaging payphone parts, which is
calming. These stupid people will never
understand what it feels like to be
creative and listen to others. Against
my better judgement I exchange some
friendly emails with a graveyard shift
circuit etcher who writes about his
dream communication and the phreak-
er history he’s reading, which helps my
morale. Fuck these trolls, I know what
my motivations are, and I’m not going
to let them get me down just because
they cant fit me in their worldview.

7, Various podcasts

August - October 2020

That last podcast is bothersome be-
cause “Candles” is clearly grasping at
whatever he can to keep the story alive.
He workshops a lot of his personal
attacks against me in his double secret
Discord group, but this is the first time
they are published. Luckily, we are now
seeing the decline of Futel as a worth-
while vehicle for cranking out content
which can attract enough attention to
be monetized. At this stage, it’s all pod-
casts full of ads for podcast advertising
networks.

The first set of these recycles talking
points from the initial Reddit and
YouTube content, just as we've seen on

2) YouTube. The second set recycles the

first. Thankfully, the segments cover-
ing Futel and the dream surveys get
smaller and smaller with each pass.
Eventually the Futel content is just a
quick piece in a list of short creepypas-
ta summaries. One of the later ones is
put on YouTube with video, a pair of
teenagers sitting at their desks talking
into webcams. It’s a nice way to end
the story, we hope. Go kids! Talk about
weird stuff on YouTube, practice for
better things!

8. Conclusion

This parade has hopefully run its
course among all but the dregs and
random comment threads. To anyone
who comes across us while looking
for spooky stories, welcome, find our
phones, call your mom. To those who
are trying to scrape up money or fame
from this, sorry, it’s a stupid way to try
and grow your personal brand. Avoid
live weaponized memes! There's a cul-
tural cold war going on around you, a
real war, the kind with ordinary people
getting killed. The only way to win is
not to play. The life of an unwitting
soldier is not a happy one!

Year in Review

Futel did well in 2020, considering.

We slogged through the pandemic, at
least that part which has so far been
experienced, and adapted to support
our users with the development of the
sanitation and hygiene programs.

e We deployed one new phone and
many new hand washing stations.

e Wildcard Line episode 7 was re-

leased. Contribute to the Wildcard

Line from any Futel phone.

e We completed the Hold The Phone

project in partnership with Open
Signal, featuring three contribut-

ing artists and funded by a RACC
grant.

in Detroit in the first half of the year
when the shit started to hit the fan.
Later in the year, a 911 call placed on
the Detroit Futel phone to report a
house fire was connected to emergency
services faster than an attempt from a
cellphone that was already in progress.
Usage for the year included:

e over 22000 handset pickups

e over 13000 calls received by the
incoming line

e 9370 outgoing calls

4e 65 calls to the Futel voice confer-
ence

e 121 calls to the mayor of Detroit

e 116 calls to a randomly selected

We received an Awesome Portland
May 2020 People's Choice grant to
support the implementation of the

American concentration camp

92 calls to the Payphone Demulti-
plexer

sanitation and hygiene programs.

Most importantly, we continued to
provide services to our phones and
incoming line. Usage greatly increased

MINUTES

e 79 attempts to communicate with
the Druids of Sisyphus Gardens

e 45 calls to the mayor of Portland

e 34 calls to the Willamette Valley
Dream Survey

2020 Operator Log Excerpts

Eleven operators logged over 42 op-
erator calls in 2020, providing infor-
mation, assisting users, and sharing
conversations, many quite boring but
also many not boring at all. Here is

a sample of logged calls, with some
sensitive and many less interesting
examples removed.

2020-01-07
Caller asked, “which operator is this?”
I replied that it didn't matter and dis-
connected.

2020-01-21

Caller asked if I could place a call and
gave me a number, I told them how

to get a dialtone. Caller asked a long
confusing question, something about
whether this was a government benefit
and which organizations were involved.
I told them I didn't understand the
question but I hoped they benefited
from it. Caller talked about what they
were doing, again something confusing
about telecommunication abilities or
maybe telepathy, I told them I was glad
to hear it and said goodbye.

2020-01-31

Caller asked for the number of a retire-
ment community.

2020-02-04

Talked with caller, who appreciated the
chair. Isn't it cold there right now? You
f-in know it’s cold.

2020-02-05

Caller asked for a residential number.

I advised that I was just googling and
probably couldn't help. Caller provide a
name and street in Albuquerque. I was
able to recite three numbers off one

22

23

of those stupid name lookup sites and
advised caller about their source. Caller
repeated numbers to verify, I corrected
two mistakes, caller apologized and
said they were writing them down in
the rain in Portland.

2020-03-25

Dude called to report “hello operator?
I'm calling to let you know that the
phone on the corner of Killingsworth
and (??) has been wiped down and
sanitized with bleach” I told him thank
you and to stay safe out there.

2020-03-30

Caller requested the number for Henry
Ford Hospital, which I provided.

2020-04-09
Caller asked how to celebrate their best
friend's birthday, I told them to give
them a hug.

2020-05-26

Caller wanted to know how to make
a call. Operator explained dialing 1.
Caller blessed operator and everyone
involved in providing this heavenly
service.

2020-05-31

Caller wanted to place a call, I told
them how to.

2020-06-01

Caller asked for information on manu-
facturing PCP. I found instructions on
Google, but was unable to summarize
them over the phone. Caller neverthe-
less appreciates the service.

2020-06-18

Caller was confused about what they
they should say after I answered their
hello, I hung up.

2020-06-23
Caller wanted the number for OHSU,
asked if I could forward them because
they didn't have a pen. I could not but
repeated the number with them.

2020-06-26
Caller wanted to know “what the fuck
is a Futel?” Caller was trying to make a
collect call. I suggested they try a free
call instead. Caller hung up.
2020-07-01
Caller asked what time it was, I told
them. I forgot to tell them that there
was a utility menu entry for that.

2020-07-01
Caller asked me to call 911, I told them
to hang up and call 911.

2020-07-04
Caller and friend asked why I/Futel ex-
ist. Attempted to explain. Caller hung
up mid-attempt.

2020-07-13
Caller asked for the number of a Happy
Valley hospital, which I provided.

2020-07-20

Caller wants to make a call, Asks if the
phone is working. Explained dialing 1.
Caller hung up mid-explanation.

2020-07-21

Caller reported static on the Clinton

St. phone. Then she/they/it asked all 23

24

sorts of weird, intriguing questions re:
the meaning of September 5th 2020,
the Willamette Valley Dream Survey,
the manifesto printed on the Futel
payphones, etc. We had a long-ranging
and interesting discussion about the
nature of reality and the meaning of the
various texts on the Futel telephone.

2020-07-25

Caller asked how to report a dream, I
told them to use the directory. Caller
asked what happens to the dream re-
cordings, I replied that it was an exter-
nal number and I didn't know. Caller
started telling me an obviously fake
dream, I suggested that they report it
and hung up.

2020-08-07

What is this, is the dream survey
available here, what other interesting
choices are there, blah blah blah, just
try it already.

2020-08-23
Caller wanted the number to report
their dreams. I told her the WVDS is in
the menu system, tho i could not recall
where. I offered to record the callers
dream in the Futel log instead. Caller
dreamed they had just killed two peo-
ple — they didn't recall who — and was
running from the law. They found their
child, confessed the crime, and they
absconded together. I wished them a

better dream tonight.

2020-09-06
Caller asked how to call the Druid, I
told them to use the directory.

2020-09-09

Caller’s grandparents are visiting in the
house upstairs. Caller also has a spider
living in their window. Caller attempt-
ed to conference in the spider, but
could not operate the speakerphone.
Caller explained that spiders have their
own telephones built into their webs.
Discussed literature, comic books, etc.
Then caller had to go.

2020-10-07

Caller asked for the police non-emer-
gency number, which I provided.

2020-10-12

Heard a series of tones, after I an-
nounced myself sounded like the caller
was using the phone keypad. Tried
announcing myself again but when the
tones stopped there was what sounded
like hold music. Girl from Ipanema.
Ended the call.

2020-10-22
Caller asked the Operator if they could
help them reach a named individual.
Operator asked for more information
about them. Caller told her Never-
mind, and ended the call.

2020-11-22

Caller needed to get in touch with a
friend or family member but had no
phone numbers. i searched for a few
names for them and expect they will
call back for some additional number
hunting.

2020-12-08
Caller wanted the number of a motel in
SW Portland, which I provided.

24

Druid of Sisyphus Gardens
Log

The Druids didn't exactly keep great
records in 2020 (except for September),
although it was a great year (Fu-
tel-wise). We received many memora-
ble calls from memorable callers.
April
Caller wanted to know how to turn
into a dog. A Transmutation spell like
Polymorph Self should work.

September 21
Caller asked if they could visit Sisyphus
Gardens, I told them Id get back to
them on that. Caller then asked how
long I’ve been a Druid and how old I
was because they are interested in Dru-
id stuff. I asked them if they had any
other questions; “What's your favorite
color?”

September 27
Two callers enjoying a nice mushroom
time. Answered the first caller’s ques-

tions about Druids and Futel. The 2nd
caller said they found out about Futel
from the Dream Survey YouTube. They
asked if I do this all day (sure, tech-
nically) and if our phone was red like
they imagined (the cord is).
September 27
Two different callers, the first caller
was excited to finally talk to the Druid
because they live close to the location
of the first Futel. Second caller wasn't
sure what to ask me, so I said I can pro-
vide Druidic advice or Druidic secrets.
Provided them with a Druidic secret.

September 28
M called, they have been calling every
time they find a new Futel phone!
October 25
Caller told me their pitch to Netflix
and asked me what I thought. I said I
try to avoid being judgmental.

~ Pleas, =,
: a. be brief on

Vv Avoid needless cal]s

V Space calls sO
Parties have 4

Other (\

chance at the line

¥/ Yield the lin

€ in

"mergencies

SINGLE LINES or
PARTY LINES....

December October 28

Detroit called! Provided them with “Hello, I went on a run today and
solid Druidic advice for the New Year. _ found this super cool phone, so you
have a wonderful day and you are so

Recorded Voicemails beautiful and the world is a happy
place?’

April 1
Caller left a good-natured personalized
prank voicemail. A+

July 30
“T know this is a simulation, I just want
answers.

August 1

“Hi. I found your number at a Futel
phone. I just wanted to let you know
youre beautiful.”
August 2 “Uh, I don't really know who
you are, but I would love to come check
out your job. Alright”

September 9
“Hey Dru-dru, what's up, haha, just
checkin’ in, because you're supposed to

26 bring the beer to the party.” 26

Death of the Payphone

Many of the scars from amputated
urban furniture are recognizable,

and if the concrete is old enough the
fossil record of a block will show the
advances and retreats of different eras
of hardware. Among the horse rings,
parking meters, and bus shelters can
be found several different methods for
mounting payphones.

Payphone locations are especially in-
teresting because each is a place where
many people have had emotional expe-
riences. This small concrete pad buried
in leaves was the site of the payphone
in front of the library on SE Belmont.
It was the phone nearest my house in
the late 1990s and I spent many hours
here with my red box talking to people,
including my mom, my girlfriend, and
a publisher who owed me money.

I dont recall any particularly mem-
orable conversations and if you find

a ghost lingering here it is probably
not mine, but this was a street corner
where I hung out a lot, in the sun and
rain, night and day. I recently walked
by with my family and wasnt really
able to convince them why I was so
interested in this scrap of concrete.

Someone claims to have snagged a
piece of the phone booth used by Jello
Biafra to escape from those jocks. They
were walking by when it was being de-
molished. After John Dillinger was shot
by feds in the phone booth in front of
the Biograph Theater, onlookers soaked
their handkerchiefs in his blood for
souvenirs. I wonder if anyone took the
gory handset?

Support us by subscribing on Patreon, buying a T-shirt or button,
buying Party Line issues 1-5 from Microcosm Publishing, or
making a PayPal donation courtesy of CTRLH, see our website.
Futel is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization.

Potential installation host? Contact us. Want to hack on Futel? See
our repositories on Github. Creator of interactive audio art? We can
help you implement your ideas in this exciting new format.

Dial 0 from any Futel phone, or speak to the operator at 503-
468-1337, or email us at operator@futel.net, or see our
website at http: //futel.net. Thanks to everyone who has
supported Futel!

28 28

29

Labor

Director: Karl Anderson. Developers: Karl Anderson, Tishbite, J.
Plumb. Operations: Karl Anderson. Hygiene and Sanitation: M.
Lippincott. Operators: Karl Anderson, Tishbite, xnor, B. M, M.
Lippincott, A. Frankenstein, M. Hansen, Anonymous, Anony-
mous. Physical Plant: B. Casey, M. Casey, M. Lippincott, R. Senior,
S., Sebastian Noack, J. Mejia, J. Plumb. Troubleshooter: Ry4an B.
Production: J. Plumb, xnor. Design: D. Wager. Art: D. Wager, B.
Thunderblood, Fiona Bearclaw, Lance E. Pants. Media: J. Mejia, B.
Richardson.

Contributors
Thanks to our Public Telephone Hosts: G. Upshaw, xnor, M. Han-
sen, Daniels Memorial, Lesley Harper, Landline Creative, Salu-
thaus, Sebastian Noack, Open Signal, and J. Mejia.

Futel’s 2020 operations are funded in part by the Regional Arts and
Culture Council. : ,
¥& Regional Arts & Culture Council

Futel’s 2018 and 2019 operations are funded in part by Nelson.

Thanks to PDX Hackerspace, Dug Song, Russell Senior, Snaptor-
toise, the Precipice Fund, Calligram Foundation, and The Andy
Warhol Foundation for the Visual Arts, Awesome Ann Arbor, Awe-
some Portland, the Twilio.org Impact Corps Program,Hobotech,
the Personal Telco Project, Free Geek Portland, ToorCamp, Sharita
Towne, Drew at MOHDI, B. Davis, and B-Line Urban Delivery for
their support. Thanks to everyone who has donated time, money,
expertise, and materials.

FUTEL

OPERATORS ARE
SOMETIMES

STANDING BY

503-468-1337 » futel.net

29

OO46PSM X

line

Words and Music by GREGG DIAMOND
Recorded by ANDREA TRUE CONNECTION on BUDDAH RECORDS

wpe PEO Oe

BUDDAH MUSIC, INC., DIAMOND TOUCH & MRI MUSIC

ry

Cotumbis Pictures Public ations